Humor
That's real funny...I'll laugh later.
I don't need your attitude , I have one of my own!
Ah...I see the screw-up fairy has visited me again!
Not the brightest crayon in the box now are we?
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can't.
"I see" said the blind man peeing into the wind, it's all coming back to me now!
Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply!
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy, and enough money to buy me gifts.
How about never? Is never good for you?
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
You can judge me all you want, just keep the verdict to yourself.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
The reason I know I am God is because one day as I was praying, I realized I was talking to myself.
We're women. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it.
I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before!
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner.
The statistics on sanity are that one of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. -Henry Kissinger
Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime. -Red Skelton
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
There are two things I've learned: There is a God. And, I'm not Him.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Does it ever occur to you that nothing occurs to God?
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me!
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Save Santa the trip. Be naughty.
He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom. -Comic by Randy Glasbergen
I don't need to be born again. I got it right the first time. -Dennis Miller
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -Carol Leifer
I'd stop eating chocolate but I'm not a quitter.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence showing you tried.
Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
God made rivers, got made lakes, God made *NSync, hey we all make mistakes.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Never look up and admire a flock of birds overhead.....trust me.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue. I'm Schizophrenic. And So Am I.
It's mind over matter. You don't mind, it don't matter.
Sometimes you're the windshield. Sometimes you're the bug.
I'm on top of the world and afraid of heights.
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realize is, I'm a damn good actress too.
Blondes Have It Made, Brunettes Don't Have An Excuse For Acting Stupid!
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving's not for you.
I'm not really enjoying talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon. Okay?
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God (Seen on a billboard)
You:
Can I ask you a question?
Me:
Didn't give me much of a
choice there did ya?
If you're really horny, do unto yourself as you would want others to do unto you.
People say I shouldn't frown because it uses more muscles than smiling. Then I point out that Americans need their exercise.
I'm not that desperate, and you're not that lucky!
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Instead, merely flip the guy off, it's only a gesture but it says it all.
There are a lot of easier things in life than finding a good man... For instance: Nailing Jello to a tree.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not kicking and screaming like the passengers on his bus.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Daddy's
little girl, but not the
girl that Daddy knew.
Daddy
never had a clue.
No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves!
Women's
faults are many,
Men
have only two.....
Everything the say,
and
everything they do!
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Violence is not the answer, however it is a pretty good guess.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Two blondes walk into a building...You think one of them would've noticed.
Karaoke is Japanese for tone-deaf.
You must be constipated cause you're full of shit.
I've learned that the dashing young knight on his snow white steed who was going to ride into my life and sweep me off my feet...has apparently gotten lost in the forest.
Life's short, eat dessert first.
Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit. -R. E. Shay
You've been a bad boy, go to my room!
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average guy can see better than he can think.
I just remembered something... you are boring, and my legs work! -David Spade "Just Shoot Me"
Some guys say *Suck It!* I say no thanks I tend to choke on small objects!
If you want me to fall in love you better give me something to trip over.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. -W. C. Fields
You will have many opportunities in life to keep your mouth shut: You should take advantage of every one of them. -Thomas Edison
Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.
Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Female: But would you stay there?
Male: Your body's like a temple.
Female: Sorry, there are no services today.
Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.
Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Female: DO NOT ENTER.
Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Male: Is this seat empty?
Female: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high." -Bruce Baum
Love is like a tug of war. One jerk after another.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Amen.
If ballet were easy it would be called football.
It's not what a teenager knows that worries his parents. It's how he found out.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
If winners never quit, and quitters never win, what loser came up with quit while you're ahead?
It's called crap... and as full of it as you are, I'm sure there's some to spare!
Love is deep, sex only goes a few inches.
In a world full of cheerios ... be a fruitloop.
I'm really an angel these horns just hold my halo up.
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
Too bad, looks like hooked on phonics didn't work for you!
God made coke, God made Pepsi, God made me and ....DAMN.... I'm sexy!
Virginity is like a bubble - One prick and it's all over.
I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. -Shirley Temple
Don't hate me because I'm sexy, hate me because your boyfriend thinks so!
Sex can wait, so don't fornicate, copulate, or procreate....masturbate! -Jon Haas
Possibly? I hate that damn answer! It means it depends on how horney you are!
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -Albert Einstein
Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to beat or choke the living shit out of some ass who desperately needs it.
You know what? You may be able to catch more flies with honey than vinegar... but you can catch even more with shit. -John Haas
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. -Plato (427 AD - 347 AD)
Never knock on Death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that.
I came. I tried. I lost. Damn it. I came again. I cheated. I won.
Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a Q-tip. -Simpsons
I don't mind going to work...it's that long wait to go home that bothers me.
Have a nice day, somewhere else.
