Humor 3
Stop honkin' your horns
Stop callin' my name
Because I already know
I drive you insane!
They say light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear brighter until you hear them speak!
Star light, star bright, where the hell is Mr. Right?
People who say nothing is impossible have never tried to slam a revolving door!
If you need space join NASA baby!
"That money talks / I'll not
deny, / I heard it once: /
It said, 'Goodbye.' "
-Richard Armour
"A male gynecologist is like
an auto mechanic who never
owned a car."
-Carrie Snow
"A man's got to do what a
man's got to do. A woman
must do what he can't."
-Rhonda Hansome
"Every time I close the door
on reality it comes in
through the windows."
-Jennifer Unlimited
"If you can't be a good
example, then you'll just
have to be a horrible
warning."
-Catherine Aird
"All this wheeling and
dealing around, why, it
isn't for money, it's for
fun. Money's just the way we
keep score!"
-Tracy Law
I'm Loved by some, Hated by many, Envied by most, Yet wanted by plenty.
Heaven doesn't want me and hell's afraid I'll take over.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.
We have all been to those
meetings where someone wants
over 100%.
Here is how to achieve 103%
Here is a little math that
might prove helpful in the
future!
...What makes life 100% ???
If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N
O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
equals
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26
then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = only
98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 =
only 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
However,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
Use it as much as possible!
Proverbs and Counter
Proverbs!
Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its
cover.
Nothing ventured, nothing
gained.
Better safe than sorry.
The bigger, the better.
The best things come in
small packages.
Absence makes the heart grow
fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.
What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.
With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes
come all wise sayings.
The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a
crowd.
I try to take just one day at a time... but lately several days have attacked me at once.
"Mom never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.
Remember the trees, remember the grass, remember me? The pain in your ass?
Well guys, I was thinking, and I realized....(Insert obvious statement) -Alex Flory
.99 repeating doesn't equal one! (both inside jokes both from the wonderful Alex Flory)
If you really love him, have some class. Don't write his name where you wipe your ass!
" A girl phoned me the other
day and said, 'Come on over;
nobody's
home.' I went over. Nobody
was home."
-Rodney Dangerfield
"During sex, my girlfriend
always wants to talk to me.
Just the other
night she called me from a
hotel."
-Rodney Dangerfield
"One day I came home early
from work ... I saw a guy
jogging naked. I
said to the guy, "Hey buddy,
why are you doing that?" He
said 'Because
you came home early.'"
-Rodney Dangerfield
"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom." -Rodney Dangerfield
"I was such an ugly
kid...When I played in the
sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up."
-Rodney Dangerfield
"I could tell my parents
hated me. My bath toys were
a toaster and radio."
-Rodney Dangerfield
"If everything seems under
control, you're just not
going fast enough."
-Mario Andretti
"Two wrongs don't make a
right, but they make a good
excuse."
-Thomas Szasz
"In the beginning the
Universe was created. This
has made a lot of
people very angry and been
widely regarded as a bad
move."
-Douglas Adams
"We've begun to long for the
pitter patter of little feet
- so we bought a dog. Well,
it's cheaper, and you get
more feet."
--Rita Rudner
Women with "pasts" interest men because men hope that history will repeat itself.
The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.
"Newman's first law: It is
useless to put on your
brakes when you're upside
down. "
-Paul Newman
"To err is human, but when
the eraser wears out ahead
of the pencil, you're
overdoing it."
-Josh Jenkins
"Have you ever noticed...
Anybody going slower than
you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a
maniac?"
-George Carlin
" hasn't been shopping at the right malls.
"If you put something in quotation marks, then everyone will think someone famous said and they'll start saying it and then eventually it will be famous."
Love is blind, deaf, dumb and stupid. If I ever find that little turd I'm gonna kill cupid once and for all.
