Humor 5
Cat scan: When a cat checks
out a yard for prey.
-- Richard L. Peterson
Girls have unique powers.
They get wet without water,
bleed without injury
and make boneless things get
hard.
So the elephant says to the camel, "Why do you have two boobs on your back?" The camel replies, "That's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on their face"."
"Bears like honey, so what do we do? We serve honey out of a bear. We take the honey from the animal that likes it, through a hole in its freakin' head. Screw you bears!"
-Demetri Martin
You know America only went to war over the oil, 'cause oil's the most expensive commodity in the world. And I'm like, "Apparently you've never bought printer ink." 'Cause if you've ever bought an ink cartridge or toner, you know pound for pound it's the most expensive stuff in the world... I'm a passifist - I do not believe in war, I really don't. But when I click "Print" on my Mac and that little bubble pops up and goes, "Your magenta is low"... I don't know what magenta is but it makes me want to bomb the hell out of a country.
-Eddie Ifft
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here!
-Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
-Mitch Hedberg
Power spawning babies! You'll have so many babies! 400 BABIES! Give Shockolate to your babies and they'll be good at SPORTS. Make your babies run ABNORMALLY FAST. They'll run as fast as Kenyans. People will watch them running and they'll think they're Kenyans. They'll race as fast as Kenyans, against actual Kenyans, and it'll be a tie and they'll get deported back to Kenya!
-Powerthirst (YouTube)
When God gives you lemons, you FIND A NEW GOD!
-Powerthirst 2 (YouTube)
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy. -www.textsfromlastnight.com
